Fly

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Do you hear me? Do you hear my cries? Do you see these tears as they burst from my eyes and flow down my skin, scratching my surface as they move? Do you see I hurt?

Wait.

Do you want to see that I am hurt?

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, I’m barely making sense
For now I’m faking in til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again, but this time I as I
And not as we

I have always believed that you will be here for me. Here whenever I need you. Because you once told me that nobody on this earth should be alone. Nobody should suffer the pains of loneliness. And I in my innocence believed in you.

Everyday, I’d cling onto your words. I’d believe that you will be here for me because one doesn’t say something one doesn’t believe in. And by clinging to your words, I’ll be able to hang on to your belief — your belief that none should be lonely but all be accompanied.

Gun shy, unquivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

But alas! Here I am, standing in darkness of overwhelming loneliness. Though I see many around me, walking past me, rubbing shoulders just so that we could gain benefits from each other; though I smile many times; I know these friendships will never last, I know these smiles aren’t real and genuine.

Where have you been? I long for your presence so that we could be together. I do not want to be in loneliness. I do not want to fake smiles. I do not want to dwell amongst empty friendships.

For yours is the kind of friendship I have much believed in, but why does my heart tell me otherwise?

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, with not much making sense yet
I’m faking in til I am pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again, but this time I as I
And not as we

Maybe I should stop believing whatever you said. Maybe whatever you said was just to sooth me at that moment, hence, were all unreal. Maybe I should numb my heart or focus on other things, other people.

But you, you crippled my heart. You destroyed that hope that was once here. You made vanish the glimpse of belief I had in love. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was desperate. You know what they say, when you hold on to something too much or tightly, it will slip right through your fingers and you’ll never have it again.

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

So what if you do not want to see my hurt?

So what if you do not want to be here for me?

So what if these hurts, these hurts you caused, will never heal?

So what if these damages you’ve caused will never mend?

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step over, I’m barely making sense
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch, begin again, but this time I as I
And not as we

I may never want to believe you again. I may never want to hope that you would be even a friend again.

But I will shift my focus. I will choose to believe that there is possibilities in tomorrow. I will choose to believe that nobody is worth loneliness, because loneliness is too much a burden to bear. Hence, I will carry myself and choose not to be lonely.

What if loneliness doesn’t mean being alone but have nobody to lean on?

But why do I fret that? As Paulo Coelho once said, if you loved yourself enough, you will end up attracting love. Maybe I do not love myself enough. Maybe I do not have the courage to do so, as I am the one — the only one — who gets to see these scars on me.

Now, this day on, it’s no more us. No more we. But I.

I will call the shots. I will believe in whatever I choose to believe in. I will trust in myself. I will live the life I want. Because I am not worth loneliness. Because there is more to this petty belief in you, in whatever I have chosen to see.

This day forth, I will soar. I will rise high above the skies. I will see the white clouds and the sunrays shining on my face. No more will there be coldness and ice, but warmth, a new kind of hope, life.

Fly.

Not As We
by Alanis Morisette

Love

Her eyes caught mine.

The world didn’t stop. Time didn’t stop. Everything was normal.

My heart didn’t beat faster, it didn’t fill with those roaring feelings teenagers squeal or boast about when they meet somebody they adore; no. Nada. Nothing. It was just… normal.

I looked into her eye.

That familiar and very irritating Jonas Brothers song popped into mind. I disregarded it.

Love, ahhh — such a vague thing. Abstract. Intangible. I wonder if those couples out there know what love is. Or is it just a temporal fascination.

They say when guys go after girls who have not accepted them, guys are filled with egoistic gladness, because all they want is to win, win and win (and to win her over, of course) — all these to satisfy their male ego. And once they get her, the rest is history.

You know the answers.

A. Sex
B. Kiss
C. Try and see how long you can be together. If things doesn’t work out the way you want it to, no strings attached.
D. Gah~ She’s easy game. NEXT!

I have seen different guys who picked different answers. After all, all of them are correct.

It’s just a matter of perception.

And in the end, it’s not the matter of whether it was worth it or not, it’s the thrill, who hurt who, and what’s her rank in his life.

Oh, she was my third ex-girl friend.

And funny how some, though having a girlfriend, go around touching other girls, calling them sisters (just for name sake and so that he will not feel that bad I must add), or being close with them.

It’s the twenty-first century, come on! Let’s talk now.

But yet again, it’s just a matter of perception.

While guys can be macho, girls can choose to sing the hymn of feminism. Who is right and who is wrong? They’re all correct, because I told you

It’s just a matter of perception.

While we may have our own stands, but the cliche saying will rule almost everybody’s mouths: When love comes, all is secondary.

So the question is, what is love?

How many understand love? How many take love seriously? How many care about love?

How many are selfish?

I looked deep into her eyes. Gazed deep. Not many girls are like onions. Not many have many layers to them. I have to admit I read girls like reading books and stereotyping them through the words they say, their actions and conducts, they philosophies and principles.

Sometimes, they’re just like everybody – including guys – they just want to be loved.

I have talked with countless of guys who always say this macho-ly: I want to love, I want to give, I want to be somebody to somebody. But they always avoid admitting that they want someone to love them.

So as I gazed into her eyes, I realized that deep down, she desires for love. She desires for space. Yet, I still hold on to my belief that girls are innocent, pretty creatures created by God for a reason (maybe more). They deserved to be loved. Cherished.

But as everybody, they may be selfish too. Many girls I talk to (note: I didn’t say every girl) want love from men, want attention from men, want this and that from men.

But seldom I hear them say: I want to love him. I want to give him attention. I want him to know I am here. I don’t want him to always buy me expensive things. I don’t want him to always splurge on me. But for a change, I want to let him feel that I love him. I want him to know I love him. And most of all, I want to be the reason he smiles because

his happiness is my happiness.

While debates do say very diplomatically that relationship is a two-way thing, but I wonder how many do think that the guy should give more because he is a guy?

Why have I seen so many times the girl telling the guy what he should be? Do not do this, I don’t like it. Do not do that, I dislike it.

This post may sound like a vote for masculinity and against feminism, but I assure you that is not the intention. It is merely to question, is there such a thing called fair two-way relationship? Is there such thing called working together, or is it working individually but still holding hands? I do not know if I am making myself clear, but hey, if you do understand what I am saying, think about it.

Maybe love is such an abstract thing for us, so much so that we break it down and list the actions that represent love when it is more than just mere actions and mere chemical reactions in the mind and heart.

Perhaps the most understandable thing about love is its spelling.

L.O.V.E.

Love